Broken....

Well my spirit ain't broken, but stuff has been falling apart the last couple of days.  Let's see, I lost my camera case and my $1 plastic flute yesterday at Angkor Wat.   The zipper to the pocket of my guitar case is now broken, though since the case is always pretty much upright, shouldn't matter too much.  More importantly, I got some bad vibes at the place I was staying, and it might have to do with an interaction from a couple of days ago.  These new folks showed up and they were talking with their tuktuk driver about making plans for a ride the following day.  He quoted them an exorbitant price and the girl looked at me with an unspoken question in her eyes.  I slowly shook my head 'no' and rolled my eyes.  The driver didn't see me do it, but must have had a sense of what was going on and he gave me the death stare..''don't fuck with my business',  western devil.  He drove off eventually and I waited til he was gone before explaining a bit about prices, distances etc.  When you don't know what's up, they will take advantage.

Next day, the older lady behind the desk is giving me the death stare as well, as they're all in cahoots, the drivers bring the tourists, they get a piece of the action, we're the marks.  Today she tells me that I have to check out at 12 because they have a tour coming in and they need the room.  (I've been staying in a double room for $8).  I don't really believe her, she seems like a bitch, but fuck it, I'm out of here.  Certainly not gonna argue to stay in a place that isn't feeling right.  Moved down the street for a little less of a room at the same price.  It's fine.

Then I'm trying to send a message on Facebook to the Double Dutch girls for a dinner meeting tonight, and I'm in the internet cafe and my Facebook is totally stalled, totally slow.  I'm looking around and everybody else is just cruising along on Facebook, but I can't hardly move.  Tried a different computer, same same... Goddam!.  Eventually I got the message off and got out of there.  The series of annoying events seems like some kind of a sign, so I figured it's time to step back and write, and here I am.... at a different internet place.  Feels better, the price is right and maybe things are turning....

The Double Dutch girls are these two women I met in Chiang Mai two years ago.  They are these really tall women, each about 6'2, best friends (perhaps more than that, I don't know), and we had fun with the guitar and music at Dash Restaurant in Chiang Mai.  They travel a lot as well, and as it turns out, we're both in Siem Reap at the same time, so we'll have some dinner tonight and catch up.  Looking forward to that.

I'm at the place where I'm wanting to make contact with new people... Why sit alone at dinner when there are plenty of folks in a similar situation, and I think it's time for me to initiate the 'hey would you like to have dinner together' conversation.  I was looking around for a likely target last night without success... could be a man or a woman, doesn't matter, I'm just ready to try and reach out in that way.  But tonight, I've got the Double Dutch women, and I think we'll go dutch.  Now if we can just find each other when the time comes...

I like Siem Reap, though the tourism is pretty intense.  Angkor Wat was a zoo of Japanese and other groups and it makes it a little less awesome when there are so many people around.  Then again, there are plenty of places to get away, and groove on the incredible art and architecture in the jungle.  One of my favorite parts was walking through the jungle between temples, few people around, jungle sounds, lots of bird calls, incredible old trees and then you come upon a temple built in and around them.  A treat!

One of the temples was the location for a famous scene in the Lara Croft Tomb Raider Movie (which I didn't see), but the scene was just fantastic.  I took many pictures and I look forward to uploading them when the opportunity presents itself.  I got several taken of me, and I'm thinking 'album cover'.  (there great ancient backdrops and beautiful light).  If only I wasn't an old dude, but oh well...

Mornings are sweet here, as are the evenings.  Midday is pretty darn hot and I'm tending to lay low during that time.  I have my guitar with me, and after this, I'll go sit in the shade by the river and make some music.  

There are many folks trying to make a living off the tourists at Angkor Wat.  Kids come up to you with postcards, scarves, little carvings and the like, and the scripts is always the same.  Hello Sir'.... you want postcards, 10 for one dollar.... 'no thank you'  Please sir, can you help me....'sorry, no'.  You want water?.. No, I have water... ''  Maybe later, OK?... ''no thank you'' .  Over and over and over...  I'm nice, I want to help, but it's never ending... Part of the deal here.  

Feeling pretty good now, got my Asia body on, breathing well, still able to move around pretty good.  Nice being on a bicycle but you have to pay pretty good attention.  People coming from every direction, turning in front of you, coming on the wrong side of the street, chaotic but it works.  The key is to be clear with your intentions, make your move strongly and it works out.  If you're indecisive, that's when the problems start.  Kinda like life, I suppose.  Make a strong move.

Things are different today...

It's another world when you cross the border.  Different language, different money, food, attitude.  I'spent today getting acclimated to Siem Reap and Cambodia... walked around the town, eventually rented a bicycle ($6 for 4 days, nice three speed).  Rode along the river, got the lay of the land a bit.  Tomorrow I'll try and find a tuktuk guide who speaks good enough English to give me a good tour of Angkor Wat, which is about 4 miles north of here.  I hope to find someone to share the price with, so I've got my eyes out for a westerner who might want to go along as well

Even though I was prepared to resist the border scam when locals try to overcharge you... by 'helping', I still got took.  But it was by the van company where I bought the ticket.  Just before the border they stopped at a restaurant and made the spiel.  If you give me your passport, I can get the visa, no waiting. When I resisted, he got hostile (that should have been a tipoff, but I was afraid that maybe I'd get screwed on the other side, miss the bus or whatever, so I did it his way.  A Czech couple said forget it, he got hostile with them as well, and I was curious to see how it would work out for them... No problem, they made it fine... now I know.  And it occurred to me that if I was in the driver's situation, I'd probably do the same thing... make a buck when possible.  It's a ripoff and I wasn't gutsy enough to call his bluff.  He called mine... oh well, fuck it.  ($20 I won't see again)

We arrived after dark but there was a small fleet of tuktuk drivers ready to pick us up and bring us into town to the guest houses.  I ended up in an OK place, looked around for something cheaper today and was ready to move, but got the woman to lower the price to keep me there.  It's a great $8 room.  I'll stick around.

When I was walking around last night, I was approached by dozens of tuktuk drivers wanting to take me to the 'boom boom'zone.  I hadn't had that much attention since walking around Castro St. San Francisco in 1980.  And like that time, I didn't take them up on it.  Now that I'm getting around on a bicycle, I get to avoid that come on.  It's a relief.  Not much to report beyond that, looking forward to Angkor Wat tomorrow.

Oh there's one more thing... the people are nice, On my walk I saw a little spot where a woman was dishing up food for some locals.  She had 4 or 5 big pots with chicken and veggies, a curry dish, beef and peppers.  I got some food to go, super cheap, 'same price as Cambodian' she assured me.  Lunch was a buck and it was tasty.  I told her I'd go back tomorrow, it's right around the corner.    Earlier I saw some locals having coffee and I sat down for the same.  For some reason it doesn't bother me to not be able to communicate, though they do try to speak a little English.  I just watch and smile and feel content.  I'd rather be there than in places which cater to tourists.  Same as it ever was...

On the move...

Well I managed to extricate myself from Chiang Mai after a wonderful three week stay.  There's something about that 'body in motion tends to stay in motion, body at rest tends to stay at rest' truism that comes into play.  Chiang Mai is so chill, so easy, that it's so comfortable to just hang out, enjoy life, make music, dig the friendships, and suddenly there goes the vacation.  Not this time.  I loved being there but this year I'm on the move.

I bought that ticket on the night train which left at 5pm and arrived in Bangkok at 7am.  What a great deal, dinner in the diner, nothing could be finer... then stretch out in my upper berth, jiggle jaggle through the night and arrive pretty refreshed, all things considered.  I made my way back to the Khao San Road area for several reasons... lots of cheap lodging and tourist facilities, I know the area, and I've got this song cooking called Khao San Road, and I needed to observe it more closely to generate some lyrics.  Basically I took the progression to 'House of the Rising Sun', sped it up from a slow 6/8 into a more rocking minor blues, and then I'll tell the story.  This place is backpacker central, folks from everywhere and the Thais who try and make their living from the tourists.

I got my first little taste of scam artistry an hour ago as I was trying to buy tomorrow's ticket to Siem Reap.  Some tuktuk guy asked me 'what I looking for' and when I told him, he brightened up and told me 10 baht to go to and from the tourist office... cheap ticket.  10 baht is 35 cents, so I figured it was close by, and it kinda was.  The guy said he'd wait while I bought the ticket and then bring me back.  So I go into a room with a handful of middle aged guys behind desks, a big picture of an air conditioned van on the wall and here's the guy who is going to help me.  He asks if I'll need a room in Siem Reap when I get there, and I thought maybe I could grab something for the first night, make it easy on myself after a travel day.  He quotes me a price of 1800 baht ($60) for the trip and one night's lodging.  Uh, no freaking way... how bout just the trip?  He quoted me 1300 baht which is more than 4 times what I ended up paying.  Well, now I know how come the tuktuk was so cheap... he'll get his cut from the suckers who don't know any better...I came back to Khao San Road, found the right guy, 300 baht and we're off tomorrow at 8am.

Tonight I have a dinner date with my Vietnamese friend Lan Anh... Here's what I wrote on Facebook about her earlier today.   Dinner tonight with Lan Anh, my Vietnamese, disabled activist friend who is in Bangkok for a conference.  I'm not saying she is the number one activist in the entire country of Vietnam, but there is a consortium of more than 200 groups who work with the disabled and she is in charge of the organization. OK, yes, I guess I'm saying it.  Really lucky to know that woman.... the 5 days I spent with her and her family north of Hanoi two years ago during the Tet Holiday was one of the highlights of my life.  She had spent 3 weeks with Mark and me in Eugene a few years ago, and Mark's joke was, 'What, is she Ho Chi Minh's granddaughter or something?'  She was that accomplished and self confident.  And then when I was the altar of the ancestors at her mom's house, damn, her great grandfather looked exactly like Uncle Ho.  Dinner with her and her staff tonight.  Cambodia tomorrow.  Am I psyched?  Why yes I am.'

Speaking of cool Asian women, I have to hand it to Oh for being extremely classy and wonderful in the way she dealt with our change of boyfriend/girlfriend status.  I know she was hurt a few months ago when I told her I had a girlfriend in Oregon and that I wasn't sure I was coming back.  She was cool about it then, and she was cool about it now, and I have a lot of respect for her.  We spent a little time together outside of the CU Corner, shared a couple of meals and conversations, and it was quite special to have her as a friend (without benefits).  I have a lot of feeling for her and it felt great to be able to enjoy her company, talk about stuff and feel good about one another.  That's a gift.

I wrote on Facebook about the ridiculousness of traveling without a mobile phone in 2013, because I'm a stubborn anachronism, and because of that post, I got a message from Johnny Uke, a Chiang Mai friend who said that I was welcome to his extra phone that he's not using.  So now I have a phone... nice one too, now if I can figure out how to use it.  Slowly slowly, and yeah it will come in handy.  I'm apparently being dragged into the 21st century, first a camera, now a phone (OK twentieth century, but I digress).  Feeling good to be on the road and tomorrow, the adventure will get really interesting.  New country, new adventures...

One of those dreams...

I had 'one of those' dreams last night... when the universe is making contact. I was walking in a field and there was a commotion below me on the right. A big iridescent dragonfly was trapped in some kind of vine and was struggling mightily to escape. It was about twice the normal size and throwing off magical blues and greens as it fought and fought for it's freedom. I wanted to help free it, but I was afraid to get bitten or stung, so I didn't get involved. The vine was shaking, lots of energy. It finally freed itself and flew right at me, I had to duck as it whizzed past, and though it didn't touch me, I felt a jolt in my core... one of those 'this is important' messages.

Coincidentally, (or not) I'm feeling quite sad about the prospect of leaving the emotional security of Chiang Mai, the connections, the friendships, the home. It's always hard to leave this place. Got a wistful song going in my brain as I prepare to depart. Night train to Bangkok and beyond in two days time.

Alone again, don't know if I can take it
My heart is trying not to cry
Need a friend, I hope that I can make it
Before the chance has passed me by

(that's not too good I realize... just wanting to write down the vocal cadence so I can return to it later...)

I think what's happening lately is a delayed grief about the end of my relationship with Oh.  Both years when I left Chiang Mai, my heart was hurting at the separation from her, and I'm experiencing it again, even though the circumstances are completely different.  We've spent very little time together, next to none, which is for the best, really.  I know that I hurt her when I broke it off long distance, and she is quite rightly keeping her distance.  Who could blame her.  But the fact is that aside from the great physical connection we had the last two years, there was a big heart connection too, and I'm in touch with it strongly, now that I'm preparing to leave.  In spite of all the cultural, practical and lifestyle differences between us, we did have a genuine heart to heart tie, and those things are hard to let go of, maybe even more-so on the road.  I've been here before and I'm here again.

I think the dream represents the struggle in letting go.  I think I am the dragonfly who is caught in a web, struggling and then breaking free into the next chapter.  I'm OK, I know how to deal with stuff, sometimes you just have to feel it, cry about it, let it go.  Or as the song says, 'Let it come and let it go'.

Rolling with the Finagler

Epic day in and around Chiang Mai, mostly rolling with my buddy John Fengler (aka the finagler).  He got me out of my one square mile comfort zone, as we zipped about in his Audi, first a trip up to the lake where we had some lunch, then a visit to his favorite coffee place near there where I met the owner, a very artistic and one-of-kind Thai woman named 'Amy'.  (I think he was trying to fix me up with her).  Nice woman, not my type as she 'doesn't like kids' and takes care of 10 cats, while her mother has 20 more next door.  Nice to meet you... see ya... A few errands around town, some sights I wouldn't have known about otherwise, and eventually a dinner stop at Yummy Pizza in the Hang Dong (I kid you not) district south of Chiang Mai.

As we entered, John told Tony (the boss) that I'm a good musician and Tony said, 'OK you play after this act that's on the stage now'.  I tried to demur, but he wasn't having it. 'Don't even think about it, just play'.  Tony is an Aussie muso (musician, Aussie style) who apparently sold a lot of records in Germany in the 90's and he now runs this place in Hang Dong, a good pizza restaurant with a great PA and a great vibe.  Hey, if the boss says play, I play.

There was an electric guitarist and drummer who backed the last guy, and they hung out to play with me too.  I did two songs, Same Same and Bhang Lassi and people loved it.  I saw that our pizza had arrived so I had an excuse to get off the stage, but after dinner, Tony asked, and I did some more songs Boom Boom, Happy Finnish Girls and Weed and the Whiskey... all originals, all adult-ish in nature, and with the exception of Finnish Girls, which was too many chords for a first-time jam, they went over great.  The guitarist, in particular, was super complimentary about the songs, asked if there was a CD of them, said that it would sell because the songs are great.  He was a very good player, was laughing along and knocking out some nice solos, adding some bass lines, great to play with.

Turns out he's a bit of a famous person (in some circles, anyhow).  Oliver Benjamin is the originator and founder of the 'Dudeism Society' which is a funny (and lucrative, for him) organization based on the 'philosophy' of the Big Lebowski' a movie role acted by Jeff Bridges in 1998, and something of a cult favorite.  Benjamin is a writer, wise-guy, entrepreneur and tasteful guitarist, and he's got something pretty clever going on with his 'society'.  And it's paying the bills.  You can poke around at   www.Dudeism.com
It's funny stuff.

After that gig, John and I headed to CU Corner where I ended up playing from 11 til midnight, and once again, having a lot of fun.  Something is changing with my music, the more I play in the bars.  Sometimes people are listening, other times I'm more in the background, but I don't mind.  I'm just playing the songs as well and as freely as I can, polishing the craft.  And it's working.... my voice is strong and I'm pretty freed up in terms of going off script, making stuff up, messing around with timing, just being in the moment with the music.  Lots of compliments lately, more than usual, and I think it's a reflection of the change.

These two older hippie types (and by that I mean 'older than me') wandered by around midnight, and the guy asked what was up with all the guitars hanging on the wall.  (Just like I did two years ago).  They had just gotten to town after a super long day of travel and were exhausted.  But he wanted to play a couple of songs, so I joined him.  We weren't plugged in at that point as Taew has to be very mindful of the noise level and it was after midnight.  We hit it off effortlessly on stuff like 'For What It's Worth', 'Good Lovin' etc.  They were ecstatic, he said, 'I've been dying to jam for the last month'.  Just after they left, I realized that I had met them on Koh Tau last month.  It was a day I had walked over the hill to this snorkeling place and I asked is they would watch my stuff while I swam.  We ended up talking for awhile, and yep, it's them.  They're gonna get a big kick out of the coincidence when I see them tonight.  Small world apparently.

Had a great talk with Toby about Cambodian travel.  He's my linguistics buddy, speaks 16 languages, and he told me a great story about crossing the border between Thailand and Cambodia.  It's a bit of a dicey situation, lots of scammers trying to convince you that you need such and such a paper when you really don't, but folks are confused and vulnerable, so the touts are raking it in.  Plus things keep changing so there is some amount of confusion.  Anyhow, Toby was going to stay in the border town for the night and was being hassled by various government types who are into their own border scams.  As he tells it.  "They were speaking Thai so I started talking to them in Thai, and they immediately switched to Khmer.  So I started talking to them in Khmer, and they immediately shut up".  They didn't know what to make of the guy with the American passport who could speak both of those languages.  He was scam proof, and was later told by a young guy who was assigned to be his 'minder' that he had freaked them out.  'They can't fuck with you', the young guy gleefully told him.  Yup, that's Toby all right.

Today I took my $100 guitar to the music store to have them install a combination pickup/tuner so I'll be able to plug into a PA wherever I am on the road.  I dig this guitar, so it felt like a good $70 investment to have something to use electrically.  And now it means that I'll more than likely bring it home as my second guitar.  Thank you, Chinese slave labor.  It's a great ax for the money, and I went with the higher quality Korean pickup so I'm hoping it works well and sounds good through a PA.  I hear that there is a burgeoning music scene in Siem Reap (home of Angkor Wat), so I'll be equipped to get on stage and maybe even make a little money over there.  I hear it's not as uptight for the foreigners to work musically in Cambodia.  The Thais are pretty strict about this sort of thing, so whatever I make here is very under-the-table.

I have 4 more nights here in Chiang Mia before I grab the night train to Bangkok on Monday.  It's been a great stay, this place is home.  Conceivable I could return this way before the end of the trip in March, but that will reveal itself.  But I have a great circle of folks here and I love this place.

Pom durn khon daio (I walk alone)

I walk a lonely road
The only road that I have even known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

(from Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day)

That song has been up for me the past few days, but rather than it be a source of depression, which is what it looks like in black and white, I am finding peace and comfort in the understanding that yeah, I do walk alone and it is home to me.  (either that or a remarkable coincidence over a long and consistent time span).  Nope it's no coincidence, it's me.  Any time I travel with a woman, uh, that is a sure sign that it's break up time.

I've been in a real nice groove lately in Chiang Mai, doing a 5 mile walk around the old city every day, stretching in the park, swimming in the pool, writing, reading, composing some, playing live a fair amount, being quite introspective.  I don't seem to fit into the typical fifty-something farang role here.  If I did, it would look like the following:  I'd ride everywhere on a scooter, wear flip flops, spend my time whoring, eating, drinking alcohol, bullshitting and plugged into my devices.  Perhaps that's an oversimplification, but it's a lot of what I see.

I'd rather walk, tell ya the truth, I like the exercise, the visuals and the pace.  I wear my walking shoes so I can get going fast when I want to, plus they are breaking in nicely. I'm living without a phone, which is kind of ridiculous, but feels right.  (and cheap).  That's part of it, the cheapness factor, I like the ability to keep it super simple and unencumbered (and economical).  I find that I'm getting into my thoughts more, reading and writing more, being alone more and like I say, it's home.

I started working on a new song called 'More' and I think I'm on to something, a groove at least.  I was messing around with some ideas, and the thought popped into my head that I haven't written enough in 6/8.  So I went to that rhythm and it feels right.  (and even if the lyrics are lousy, 6/8 is a cool beat, African in origin, it became a 'shuffle' when adopted into the blues and it's very 'round' and dance-able.  It's got that swing feel so the words come out with a nice momentum.  I was gonna go visit the internet this morning but I forced myself to hang out in the room until I wrote some lyrics, which I did.  I'll go attack it again after my afternoon swim.  Wow, tough life, huh?

I did buy a train ticket for next Monday afternoon, six days away, when I'll be taking the over-nighter to Bangkok and a dinner date with my Vietnamese friend Lan Anh who will be in town for a conference.  From there I will catch a tourist van over the Cambodian border and into Siem Reap, home of Angkor Wat.  It's nice to have a deadline to get out of here, otherwise I worry that I might just stay, and this doesn't feel like the year for that.  Time to discover new vistas and try to take my mellow self out into the world more.  We'll see if the newly centered version of myself can hold onto that in a more challenging environment.

And finally, a little musical lesson from last night, which I posted on Facebook.  I'll copy it here for posterity...

Buddhist example... I went to visit my friend 'Apple' on his nightly music gig at the Guest House where he plays. We did a lot of playing together last year, and it was one of the highlights of my stay here. He's Thai, about my age, plays a white Fender Stratocaster, sings beautifully and is a prince of a guy. Even though his English is quite limited, I felt like I knew him quite well via the music. (ya know, 'universal language' and all that.... we have a GREAT musical connection).

So I'm listening to him play with his drummer friend, and then the drummer has to take off for another gig so Apple finishes the gig on his own. (it's casual, more or less background music). This Thai guy comes up and grabs the drum sticks and proceeds to play the most God awful, non-rhythmic, out of time sound that you could imagine. It wasn't too loud, he wasn't banging, he simply couldn't play drums. I couldn't have played that out of time if I tried. It was horrendous...

And there's Apple just doing his thing, keeping steady time, singing, smiling at me with a wink, as if it say, 'Rich, he not very good, huh, but it not matter'. If I were in his position, I'd have said, 'Dude, stop playing, what are you doing, get off the stage'. Apple smiles, plays the song, occasionally tries to follow the guy as he speeds up and slows down, but mostly keeps smiling and playing music. Wow...

The unhappy concept of 'more'

Had a very interesting chat yesterday with a 45-50 year old Canadian who had heard me play the night before at CU Corner.  I was on my daily 5 mile walk around the old city and on the home stretch, I walk past a coffee shop and there's the guy.  At first I thought, 'that looks like the guy from last night' and kept walking, but when he waved, I decided to stop and visit.

He was very complimentary about what I did on stage, especially the originals.  I guess he liked the 'Canadian Blues' which I did when I found out he and his buddy were Canadians... never got a better reaction from that song, but there were plenty others that people enjoyed.  He was talking about talent and that he likes to especially recognize artists and musicians because they are usually overlooked and not appreciated for what they bring to the world.  I said, 'Give me a hundred dollars', like the wise-ass that I am.

You probably think he's going to come on to me at this point, but no, it didn't go that way.  But we did have an in depth conversation about stuff, life's purpose, work, that sort of thing.  If he is to be believed (and I have no reason to doubt him... after all, he liked my music), He is a financial analyst who is based in several places in the far east, Chiang Mai among them.  Has an office in Jakarta and Seoul as well, a rich guy.  Tells me that he grew up outside of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan and was the youngest commodities trader in the country when he started in high school.  Started with cattle, which his family raised and went from there.  He compared my gift for music with his gift for money.  OK.

But I'm talking about him not because I want to paint a picture of a successful Canadian, but because there was one point in the conversation when I got that feeling of 'maybe I could write a song about that'.  It wasn't a sure-fire 'there's a song there' moment, but something a bit more subtle.  (and it doesn't have to do with alcohol, thank God).  It's about the idea of 'more'.  How people are always wanting more, particularly in the material realm, and how it doesn't make them happier.  And along with that is the idea that 'I'm not enough... I should be more', which uh, I can relate to.

I had said to him that it sounds like he's rich enough to just kick back and enjoy life, but he corrected that assessment.  If it's only about him, then it's a shallow life.  He's got some fairly large-scale public service projects that he is part of, so that's where he wants to apply his fortune.  Good on ya mate, and good on ya for engaging in a thought provoking conversation with me... and for maybe helping to germinate a seed that's been planted in my soul for a long time, a lifetime.  It's been my experience that when I can write a song about something important, it's as though I've solved that particular problem, and can move on to the next puzzle piece.  I've been wrestling with the notion of 'I should be more' forever, and I'm ready to come to terms with it, turn it into a song and then off we go...