Well here is a post that I'm not looking forward to embarking on. I'm pretty stressed just sitting here, feeling the resistance to giving words to what I'm experiencing. I'm feeling pissed off, judgmental, frustrated, self-critical here at the gate. I want to use the word 'fuck' in a lot of my sentences, always a sure sign that something is fucking not right.
It's the alcohol and tobacco piece, not to mention the late nights, not to mention the mini skirt outfit that made her look like one of 'those' girls as I walked her home this morning after a less than stellar night together. It's a clash to be sure, and as much as I'm pissed off at M for smoking and drinking, I'm equally curious as to my reactions and judgments, which is really what it's about. But I'm feeling them big time, so why not try and process a bit and see where it leads.
In general, if I see a good looking woman, and then she reaches for a cigarette, I have an instant aversion, and an immediate sense that 'that's not for me'. It's such a fucking gross habit, who wants to kiss an ashtray, let alone the stupidity of subjecting one's lungs to that kind of abuse. Yeah I know that it's an addiction and hard to quit, but people who want to quit can do it, but you have to want to.
When she and I hang out on her day off, she'll have a couple or three cigarettes and nothing to drink, and she's lovely, and a delight to be with. But then put her into the bar setting where people are buying her drinks, or even if they're not, she tends to drink over the course of the night 4 large beers, sipped over ice, not enough to get hammered, but it loosens her up, helps her smile and entertain the customers, who all adore her. And she'll usually have a sweet wine cooler type thing or two at the end of the night. And of course, once you're into the alcohol, it's that much easier to smoke and smoke, which she does while working. Probably just under a pack over the course of a shift (not that I'm counting, of course)
and every time I see her light up, or pour herself the next drink I have a negative reaction to it, as if I have some kind of proprietary ownership there, and her actions are not in line with my desires. I do try to understand and separate myself from that judgment, but without much success. It rankles every time to see the woman who I really care for drink and smoke all through her shift. This aside from her fending off advances from guys, being groped (appropriately usually), come on to, invited home etc.
It's a fine line that she has to walk as a server, she needs to be very friendly, she makes physical contact, a hand on the shoulder, a hug for the regulars, an inviting smile for the newcomers, it's business and there are a ton of bars in this town and you have to make people want to come to your place. So that kind of comes with the teritory, and she's great at it. But of course there is the inevitable staring at her and lusting after her on the part of some people, and that's not something I want to see either. Yecchh...
Last night it came to a head for me, as she asked me for 100 baht ($3.25 at the beginning of her shift cause she only had 10 baht in her pocket. I wasn't sure what it was for, maybe food later, but then when I saw her drinking and smoking, I just got fucking pissed offfff, 'no, I'm not going to fund your addictions, I don't support that at all!' is what I was thinking to myself as I got progressively more angry. And it brought up heavy duty judgment on my part that goes like this.
She owes some money to a couple of her friends, largely a result of an appendectomy she had a year ago which put her out of action for a couple of months. She needed to borrow some money to stay afloat, and she's been paying it back a little per month to where it's now down to like $100 total. (which is more than it would be in the states, trust me). Meanwhile, she is spending probably $30-40 per week on alcohol and smokes, she uses her tip money for food and vices, and that just pisses me off on some kind of New York Jew 'fiscal responsibility' level. Look you owe this money out there, it makes for an imbalance, you need to pay it off, but instead you use it on crap that hurts you, that pisses me off and that doesn't solve the imbalance. So if you're not an alcoholic, as you claim, then why are you treading water, not clearing your debts but instead needing to cadge a hundred baht from your boyfriend because you have no money. Oh yes friends, 'heavy judgment' on my part.
And as I write it, I'm still feeling the righteous indignation (which I don't enjoy, by the way), but I guess I need to feel it in order to describe the scenario. It's one of those places in my brain that are pretty strongly wired, and if I were a good little Buddhist, I'd find a way to feel it.... and then move the fuck on. The Dalai Lama might describe it slightly differently, but that's what I need to do. See my reaction, feel it, then breathe and let it go. As I do that this minute, it starts dissolving into a few tears and a shudder, which means, ah yes, this is the correct way to go. maybe another breath would be in order.... more tears and release, ah this is good. (but I won't start crying, as the Thai woman at the computer to my left might get alarmed) Ok maybe one more breath now.... and I can finally start to see M and understand what she has been trying to tell me vis a vis smoking and drinking.
From the time she was little, she had no freedom within her family. She had to wake up at 3 in the morning to work with the family, preparing food to sell in the market. As she got older and she wanted to go to school (which her parents wouldn't pay for), she would wake up at 3, work for the family until 7:30, then go to her money job, and then in the evening go to her classes. It was a fucking 20 hour day often, so of course she was exhausted, but this is how she drove herself. 'It make me very strong'.
She invokes that lack of freedom as the explanation for why she drinks and smokes if she wants to drink and smoke. She never had the freedom to do what she wanted growing up, and now that she's an adult, she does what she wants. She also talks about being lonely, both her parents are gone and she feels like she has no real family, except for one of her sisters (who she worries about). She says that alcohol and a cigarette are like her friends, they help her relax and not feel so alone. They help her feel comfortable in the bar, able to interact more easily with her customers.
Ok, I'm kinda over myself, and I can see things from a more balanced perspective. I don't like the part of myself that gets self-righteous, but it's hard not to, when I have such an instantaneous reaction to seeing my lover hit the smokes and the bottles. So I guess the best solution for this last week in Thailand is to limit my exposure to the bar scene, let her have that space free from my judgmental eye. I did promise to help a friend with a Tuesday night set, and of course I'll honor that, but it's time to steer clear of that environment. (especially toward the end of the night when the real drunks are closing the place down and it's kind of a sad scenario, at least to this judgmental new yorker. (Yeah, even though I've been in Eugene close to 30 years, I feel like an east coaster in my reactions) What up with that?
Meanwhile I got some great news from Oregon, in that I was selected as one of the top 5 favorite library performers around the state, which just opened up an unexpected windfall of 15 summer gigs as there is a big organization which is underwriting a bunch of shows for smaller libraries, and I was invited to be one of the presenters. It comes at a good time, and I'm especially pleased because I kind of blew my most recent 5 minute showcase in Salem, so I was afraid that my summer might be kind of slow. Nice to get the recognition from my work over the years and a bunch of unexpected gigs to fill into the summer schedule. (gratitude about that)
Glad I sat down to try and deal with my judgment issues, and once again, it comes back to that notion of feeling it, and then separating from it, rather than being ruled by it. A little self healing... (and yeah, I still want her to not smoke and drink, but it's not tearing me up like it was an hour ago)
Out...
Under the full moon
Makha Bukha is the name of the full moon festival which was celebrated last night in Thailand, Laos and Cambodia, a remembrance of a time 2500 years ago when 1250 of the Buddha's followers spontaneously paid him a visit during the full moon. The bars were closed here (for the most part), which means that M had a night off and we were able to go and celebrate the holiday with the community. And it was amazing.
The day actually broke overcast, which is unusual, as every other day lately has been sunny and hot. The cloud cover was a nice change of pace, but I wondered if we'd get a glimpse of the moon later that night. We had a really nice day together, relaxed, watched a movie on her TV, ate and snoozed, and then shortly after sunset, we walked to one of the famous temples in Chiang Mai. (don't have the name, sorry)
I had seen this temple before, had entered it even, without realizing that directly behind it, was an ancient temple (750 years old) that was the real marker for this site. And that is where the festival was celebrated. People gathered by the hundreds and likely thousands, and each of us purchased a little garland of flowers from one of the booths that had been hastily set up on the street near the temple. Along with the flowers came a candle and three sticks of incense. (20 baht, 66 cents for those who like to know what things cost). M said we should each buy our own, as we need to make our own offering to the Buddha.
And then we walked past the first temple and Wow, how had I never seen the old one? It was incredible, not in use anymore due to the ravages of time, but a commanding, impressive structue, very high in the sky, surrounded by a series of retaining walls, atop which were life size sculptures of elephants. On each of the 4 sides was a central staircase which led up and up into the temple. It was the opposite of 'wheelchair accessible'.
The ritual for the holiday involves circling the temple three times, hands in prayer position and carrying the offering. We walked in silence, meditating on doing good, doing right, cleaning our karma. I asked M about it after the first circle, and that's what she told me. It's about karma and doing good.
As we walked, you could hear the sounds of the large temple bells, which were being rung by the kids as they walked with their parents. Around the back of the temple, a musician was singing devotional songs into a microphone, interjecting 'Kobkudn krop' (thank you) as people made offerings. On the second circle, the moon broke through the clouds, bathing everyone in its light, and between the bells, the music, the warm air, the circling people, the flowers and incense, it was beyond lovely. Just a holy beautiful scene, and I prayed along with the rest of the populace. Mmmmm
After the third circle, we took off our shoes and entered the place where we got on our knees, lit the candles and placed them on the altar. There was a nearby place for the flower and incense offerings too. Then bow three times, head to the ground, a final nod to the Buddha and then rise.
M said that there was one more part to the ceremony, so we made our way to the newer temple, removed our shoes again and entered. Many statues and likenesses of the Buddha in this shrine as we got on our knees and bowed our head to the ground three times. A monk was talking into the microphone, and M said he was speaking about being clean and doing good. On the left of the hall, a group of monks were accepting monetary donations, so we lined up, made the offering, hands in prayer position, and they offered us a white woven bracelet along with a golden Buddha medallion. Really nice token and I will cherish it as a memento of an incredible evening. M and I tied each other's bracelets on, and she is extremely pleased that we got to celebrate this together.... as am I. I'm not much of a jewelry guy, but I like looking down to my right wrist and seeing a simple woven bracelet tied there.
Feeling clean this morning, doing good...
The day actually broke overcast, which is unusual, as every other day lately has been sunny and hot. The cloud cover was a nice change of pace, but I wondered if we'd get a glimpse of the moon later that night. We had a really nice day together, relaxed, watched a movie on her TV, ate and snoozed, and then shortly after sunset, we walked to one of the famous temples in Chiang Mai. (don't have the name, sorry)
I had seen this temple before, had entered it even, without realizing that directly behind it, was an ancient temple (750 years old) that was the real marker for this site. And that is where the festival was celebrated. People gathered by the hundreds and likely thousands, and each of us purchased a little garland of flowers from one of the booths that had been hastily set up on the street near the temple. Along with the flowers came a candle and three sticks of incense. (20 baht, 66 cents for those who like to know what things cost). M said we should each buy our own, as we need to make our own offering to the Buddha.
And then we walked past the first temple and Wow, how had I never seen the old one? It was incredible, not in use anymore due to the ravages of time, but a commanding, impressive structue, very high in the sky, surrounded by a series of retaining walls, atop which were life size sculptures of elephants. On each of the 4 sides was a central staircase which led up and up into the temple. It was the opposite of 'wheelchair accessible'.
The ritual for the holiday involves circling the temple three times, hands in prayer position and carrying the offering. We walked in silence, meditating on doing good, doing right, cleaning our karma. I asked M about it after the first circle, and that's what she told me. It's about karma and doing good.
As we walked, you could hear the sounds of the large temple bells, which were being rung by the kids as they walked with their parents. Around the back of the temple, a musician was singing devotional songs into a microphone, interjecting 'Kobkudn krop' (thank you) as people made offerings. On the second circle, the moon broke through the clouds, bathing everyone in its light, and between the bells, the music, the warm air, the circling people, the flowers and incense, it was beyond lovely. Just a holy beautiful scene, and I prayed along with the rest of the populace. Mmmmm
After the third circle, we took off our shoes and entered the place where we got on our knees, lit the candles and placed them on the altar. There was a nearby place for the flower and incense offerings too. Then bow three times, head to the ground, a final nod to the Buddha and then rise.
M said that there was one more part to the ceremony, so we made our way to the newer temple, removed our shoes again and entered. Many statues and likenesses of the Buddha in this shrine as we got on our knees and bowed our head to the ground three times. A monk was talking into the microphone, and M said he was speaking about being clean and doing good. On the left of the hall, a group of monks were accepting monetary donations, so we lined up, made the offering, hands in prayer position, and they offered us a white woven bracelet along with a golden Buddha medallion. Really nice token and I will cherish it as a memento of an incredible evening. M and I tied each other's bracelets on, and she is extremely pleased that we got to celebrate this together.... as am I. I'm not much of a jewelry guy, but I like looking down to my right wrist and seeing a simple woven bracelet tied there.
Feeling clean this morning, doing good...
Nothing to say and it's OK....
Good morning good morning. I'm sure my blog has become quite boring now, as the lack of mobility has perhaps engendered a lack of creativity (or at least the lack of a need to process). These days it's about a person, one who is in love with me, and I honestly don't know how to feel about that. so many conflicting emotions in that juxtaposition, and no, for once I'm not inclined to follow that word with 'and that's 'just the position' I'm hoping to be in. Although I did, but if I say I didn't want to do it, that must count for something. see what I mean about 'boring')
I tend toward needing to 'justify' my time here. Until now, the fact that I've been very productive on the creativity level has been my answer for 'what the hell am I dong in SE Asia'? I'm on a writers retreat, I could state confidently, and it's been true. I've put in more consistent hours writing and composing in this period of time that ever before, with great results (I"m hoping). But what happens when the well dries up, like yesterday when I had nothin'. Made a feeble attempt at a new song, which was a non-starter. Then what am I doing? Er uh hanging out, being a stud? (uh yes, as it turns out) But is that enough? No, selfish boy, it's not enough, if it's just about you.
So my brain is taking a turn to consider this lovely person who wants to spend her nights with me. (I tease her that it's because of the hot shower in my room and she's starting to make that joke too, but it's obviously way more than that.... for her). And for me, damn, I think it is too. You can't make all this love, spend all this time, get to really know and care about someone and watch them fall in love with you.... without asking yourself a bunch of questions. Notice that I keep saying that 'she is falling in love with me', rather than the reverse. (I'm sure you all noticed that). Well hell, I've 'fallen in love' so many times that I'm super gun shy about using those words, as there is a fairly substantial amount of shame attached to the fact that it's never quite worked out that way. Or as I goof on myself 'it's either a tremendous run of coincidences, or maybe it's me?' Ha ha, but probably not really that funny, particularly when I can affect another person and cause them pain.
Hmmm that idea keeps coming up, so it's likely the theme of this post. It's not all about me, and to think so is simply misguided. (this is one of the things I love best about writing, the idea that I don't really know what's going to happen when I sit down and try to open up a vein.... it just kinda flows out and then things emerge which I hadn't planned on. the inner camino?)
I just flashed on the Martin Buber notion of 'I and Thou' as opposed to I and it. I'm not super attuned to the concept, but my understanding is that it's about treating the other person as a highly respected being, equal in importance to yourself. And that feels very very right in this case. It goes deeper and truer than any kind of conditioning I've accumulated over the years that says, 'I'm a certain way and my relationships all have a particular arc' or that says, 'Thai women are a certain way, and they are trying to hook a Farang for economic stability'. Or that says, 'it's impossible to fall in love and then keep something together from around the world'. There is a lot of 'noise' that seems to come in these days, and a lot of it is fairly destructive to the I Thou relationship.
M is such a unique person, and she's my teacher in some way. I know this. We've been having an incredible time the past week, in spite of the crazy hours, in spite of the cultural differences, in spite of the fact that she's 5 feet and maybe a hundred pounds and we likely look comical holding hands walking down the street. All those things are part of the distraction. There is something about our connection that is holy and a total gift. And it feels healing to focus there instead of on the tried and true mind patterns that lead to expected outcomes. It's like the guy who keeps telling the same stories over and over. Does anybody really want to hear them. Does the teller? Really? Not likely.
I know that I'm thirsting for new patterns, a new way of looking and hearing and feeling, so God Bless this person who has been my partner in the walk. Feeling humbled and grateful and good...
Funny that I called this post, 'nothing to say and it's ok' If I had to re-title it, I'd go with 'I Thou'
I tend toward needing to 'justify' my time here. Until now, the fact that I've been very productive on the creativity level has been my answer for 'what the hell am I dong in SE Asia'? I'm on a writers retreat, I could state confidently, and it's been true. I've put in more consistent hours writing and composing in this period of time that ever before, with great results (I"m hoping). But what happens when the well dries up, like yesterday when I had nothin'. Made a feeble attempt at a new song, which was a non-starter. Then what am I doing? Er uh hanging out, being a stud? (uh yes, as it turns out) But is that enough? No, selfish boy, it's not enough, if it's just about you.
So my brain is taking a turn to consider this lovely person who wants to spend her nights with me. (I tease her that it's because of the hot shower in my room and she's starting to make that joke too, but it's obviously way more than that.... for her). And for me, damn, I think it is too. You can't make all this love, spend all this time, get to really know and care about someone and watch them fall in love with you.... without asking yourself a bunch of questions. Notice that I keep saying that 'she is falling in love with me', rather than the reverse. (I'm sure you all noticed that). Well hell, I've 'fallen in love' so many times that I'm super gun shy about using those words, as there is a fairly substantial amount of shame attached to the fact that it's never quite worked out that way. Or as I goof on myself 'it's either a tremendous run of coincidences, or maybe it's me?' Ha ha, but probably not really that funny, particularly when I can affect another person and cause them pain.
Hmmm that idea keeps coming up, so it's likely the theme of this post. It's not all about me, and to think so is simply misguided. (this is one of the things I love best about writing, the idea that I don't really know what's going to happen when I sit down and try to open up a vein.... it just kinda flows out and then things emerge which I hadn't planned on. the inner camino?)
I just flashed on the Martin Buber notion of 'I and Thou' as opposed to I and it. I'm not super attuned to the concept, but my understanding is that it's about treating the other person as a highly respected being, equal in importance to yourself. And that feels very very right in this case. It goes deeper and truer than any kind of conditioning I've accumulated over the years that says, 'I'm a certain way and my relationships all have a particular arc' or that says, 'Thai women are a certain way, and they are trying to hook a Farang for economic stability'. Or that says, 'it's impossible to fall in love and then keep something together from around the world'. There is a lot of 'noise' that seems to come in these days, and a lot of it is fairly destructive to the I Thou relationship.
M is such a unique person, and she's my teacher in some way. I know this. We've been having an incredible time the past week, in spite of the crazy hours, in spite of the cultural differences, in spite of the fact that she's 5 feet and maybe a hundred pounds and we likely look comical holding hands walking down the street. All those things are part of the distraction. There is something about our connection that is holy and a total gift. And it feels healing to focus there instead of on the tried and true mind patterns that lead to expected outcomes. It's like the guy who keeps telling the same stories over and over. Does anybody really want to hear them. Does the teller? Really? Not likely.
I know that I'm thirsting for new patterns, a new way of looking and hearing and feeling, so God Bless this person who has been my partner in the walk. Feeling humbled and grateful and good...
Funny that I called this post, 'nothing to say and it's ok' If I had to re-title it, I'd go with 'I Thou'
Stress Test....
You mean, I can't just continue to hang out in Chiang Mai, eating Thai food, writing songs, swimming at the pool at the Guest House, enjoying the pleasures of the senses? I made my first foray into planning for my return to the states, and it stressed me out way more than anything I've experienced since I've been on the road. Guess I'm getting soft.... or at least my brain must have been a bit soft, because when I checked the itinerary, it wasn't what I was expecting. I had set up a ride home from the Portland Airport on Sunday afternoon, but fuckin' A, I'm landing on Monday instead, right in time for the rush hous, which is a large drag. Don't know if Jenni is available to drive the following day, and I need to get back to Eugene ASAP as I'm presenting at a huge conference at 8am the following day. (Good planning there, Rich!)
And there was more. When I saw that I was arriving in Hong Kong at 10:45 pm, and then flying to LA from there at 1:20pm.... Wait a minute, it should be 1am, right? (he asked with a rising sense of 'oh shit, what did I do?'.... Yep, I missed it when I chose the itinerary from Priceline. I thought I had a great connection back home, nice 2 and a half hour layover in China, then back on the plane. But no, I've given myself an all-nighter at the Kowloon airport, 15 hours before I fly to LA. That should help the jet lag really take hold. Then a 4 hour layover in LA and finally a flight to Portland, and hopefully a ride through the rush hour back to Eugene.... where I present a couple of huge workshops that can make or mar my economy for the next year.... Yep, just a bit stressed out.
It was a little bolt of nerves, nothing unusual, but for the fact that I've been about as chill as ever since I've been in Asia, so it was like a bucket of ice water waking me up out of a deep sleep. Got a little adrenaline going there for a few minutes. Now, I'm settling into a place of, 'hey, whatever happens', which is more in keeping with the traveler mentality.
I'm sure that part of the stress level is about saying goodbye to M in fairly short order. When you spend all your nights with someone, when there's a great 'connection', all kinds of emotions and thoughts enter the picture which aren't normally part of the landscape. What is my responsibility here? That's high up the list, and as I write it, it feels very charged with import, as if that 'responsibility' piece colors a lot of my interactions with women.... often in a deleterious way. I've had this theme over the years where I feel like I'm 'supposed to' be a certain way vis a vis relationship. I'm supposed to have sex so many times per week. Supposed to not be interested in other women, supposed to be all kinds of shit that I instinctively rebel against. I often will assume that my partner has these expectations of me, even if she doesn't... it's a script that I play out on my own sometimes, with predictably lousy results. (Make a note, Rich, theres' likely a 'Supposed to...' song that could be worked on... (either that or a few therapy sessions, but I digress)
Back to M, I have a lot of love and compassion for her (along with the lust, people). She's had a really tough road in life, and it's amazing that she's as resilient and positive as she is. She is among the most honest people I've ever met. I feel for her getting involved with me, having it be really beautiful and meaningful, and then I'm off on a plane to Oregon, and then what? It's hard to give your heart like that. She is tired of having different relationships and would love to have someone to take care of her. And in saying that, she wants to take care of her partner in the same way, a real relationship. She is on her own, hand to mouth, and questions sometimes, 'what's wrong with me'. And she's so strong in her work ethic. The comment I've heard more from her lips than any other is 'I have to work'. She is amazing at what she does, you couldn't have a better employee if you owned a business. Worker bee.
Sure I'd love the fantasy of me being the guy who finds true love, good partnership, John and Yoko energy, being fulfilled with a partner and a life. But along with the fantasy is that voice that goes, 'Come on, Rich, be real. You know who you are, which is a ladies man. It's even a longshot that you came back here at all, as you've been checking out the women wherever you go. True love shmue love, you're having great sex and you're seeing the world through rose colored glasses. Don't be a fool, don't commit to something that you won't deliver....
And the two voices have been doing that dance for a long time now. They know eachother's moves, for the most part. And as far as 'responsibility' goes, I guess the answer is to be responsible enough to be as truthful as possible to the process and the communication. It's the only way to learn what this story is here to teach. Because if feels big. Feels like the next stage of my life is going to unfold in this part of the world. I'm not ready to move here now: I'm not quite done with my life in Oregon just yet, but it feels awfully close.
And there was more. When I saw that I was arriving in Hong Kong at 10:45 pm, and then flying to LA from there at 1:20pm.... Wait a minute, it should be 1am, right? (he asked with a rising sense of 'oh shit, what did I do?'.... Yep, I missed it when I chose the itinerary from Priceline. I thought I had a great connection back home, nice 2 and a half hour layover in China, then back on the plane. But no, I've given myself an all-nighter at the Kowloon airport, 15 hours before I fly to LA. That should help the jet lag really take hold. Then a 4 hour layover in LA and finally a flight to Portland, and hopefully a ride through the rush hour back to Eugene.... where I present a couple of huge workshops that can make or mar my economy for the next year.... Yep, just a bit stressed out.
It was a little bolt of nerves, nothing unusual, but for the fact that I've been about as chill as ever since I've been in Asia, so it was like a bucket of ice water waking me up out of a deep sleep. Got a little adrenaline going there for a few minutes. Now, I'm settling into a place of, 'hey, whatever happens', which is more in keeping with the traveler mentality.
I'm sure that part of the stress level is about saying goodbye to M in fairly short order. When you spend all your nights with someone, when there's a great 'connection', all kinds of emotions and thoughts enter the picture which aren't normally part of the landscape. What is my responsibility here? That's high up the list, and as I write it, it feels very charged with import, as if that 'responsibility' piece colors a lot of my interactions with women.... often in a deleterious way. I've had this theme over the years where I feel like I'm 'supposed to' be a certain way vis a vis relationship. I'm supposed to have sex so many times per week. Supposed to not be interested in other women, supposed to be all kinds of shit that I instinctively rebel against. I often will assume that my partner has these expectations of me, even if she doesn't... it's a script that I play out on my own sometimes, with predictably lousy results. (Make a note, Rich, theres' likely a 'Supposed to...' song that could be worked on... (either that or a few therapy sessions, but I digress)
Back to M, I have a lot of love and compassion for her (along with the lust, people). She's had a really tough road in life, and it's amazing that she's as resilient and positive as she is. She is among the most honest people I've ever met. I feel for her getting involved with me, having it be really beautiful and meaningful, and then I'm off on a plane to Oregon, and then what? It's hard to give your heart like that. She is tired of having different relationships and would love to have someone to take care of her. And in saying that, she wants to take care of her partner in the same way, a real relationship. She is on her own, hand to mouth, and questions sometimes, 'what's wrong with me'. And she's so strong in her work ethic. The comment I've heard more from her lips than any other is 'I have to work'. She is amazing at what she does, you couldn't have a better employee if you owned a business. Worker bee.
Sure I'd love the fantasy of me being the guy who finds true love, good partnership, John and Yoko energy, being fulfilled with a partner and a life. But along with the fantasy is that voice that goes, 'Come on, Rich, be real. You know who you are, which is a ladies man. It's even a longshot that you came back here at all, as you've been checking out the women wherever you go. True love shmue love, you're having great sex and you're seeing the world through rose colored glasses. Don't be a fool, don't commit to something that you won't deliver....
And the two voices have been doing that dance for a long time now. They know eachother's moves, for the most part. And as far as 'responsibility' goes, I guess the answer is to be responsible enough to be as truthful as possible to the process and the communication. It's the only way to learn what this story is here to teach. Because if feels big. Feels like the next stage of my life is going to unfold in this part of the world. I'm not ready to move here now: I'm not quite done with my life in Oregon just yet, but it feels awfully close.
All I want this holiday is you (song)
I don't need a flower
I don't need a sign
You don't have to ask me
Would I be your valentine
But to have you love me
Just the way you do...
All I want this holiday is you
I don't need a stocking
Hanging by the tree
You don't have to promise
That one day you'll marry me
But to know your loving arms
And that your heart is true
All I want this holiday is you
Leaves twirling to the ground
Seasons round and round
We're in the hourglass of time
Winter is cold and rain
Summer come sun again
To make the sweetest berries on the vine
I don't need a birthday card
Sure don't need a cake
There's no finer present
Than to see you when I wake
And to hold you close to me
When the day is through
All I want this holiday is you
I don't need a sign
You don't have to ask me
Would I be your valentine
But to have you love me
Just the way you do...
All I want this holiday is you
I don't need a stocking
Hanging by the tree
You don't have to promise
That one day you'll marry me
But to know your loving arms
And that your heart is true
All I want this holiday is you
Leaves twirling to the ground
Seasons round and round
We're in the hourglass of time
Winter is cold and rain
Summer come sun again
To make the sweetest berries on the vine
I don't need a birthday card
Sure don't need a cake
There's no finer present
Than to see you when I wake
And to hold you close to me
When the day is through
All I want this holiday is you
Assumptions....
Wow, sometimes you think you're gonna write about one thing, and then bam, something happens and you have to write about the other thing. In this case, I got a real strong negative FB message this morning, from a friend I know who lives in SE Asia, in which he chided me for being naive, in danger, and basically stupid for being involved with a local woman. He assumed that I was hangin' and bangin' (my term) with a local 21 year old 'informal sex worker', who is basically one of the unemployed women who hang out in the bars and try to connect with sugar daddies from abroad. It's a booming business, clearly, and there are boatloads of tourists whose mission seems to be to screw as many women as possible before heading home to Brighton or Helsinki or Davenport Iowa. I've heard a bunch of stories, most of them ending badly, about guys who get taken in by that perfume and end up hooked into something that costs them a bunch of money and heartache. And my friend was putting me into that group. Yikes!
So it was like a cold shower this morning to be greeted by that bit of accusation, particularly after spending a very loving night with M, another very loving night actually. Ever since I've been back in town, 5 days now, it's been soul satisfying stuff, great connection, a lot of open heart energy, even with the knowledge that I need to be on a plane out of Bangkok on Feb 26. There is a tiny bit of dread about that parting, coming from both of us, but that's just part of the mix, and we'll have to see about it when it actually happens.
Me, I've said goodbye to many many women over the years, after good times and bad, so there is a certain inevitability to it. I can remember some of the hardest ones, when my heart is breaking and there's nothing to do but cry. One of the earliest was as a twenty year old in San Cristobal de las Casas, Chiapas Mexico, I said goodbye to my friend Sheila, we had travelled for only a week or so, but were headed in different directions. Not even lovers, but I sure loved her. When we parted, I sat on the curb and just bawled in front of startled Indians who weren't used to seeing a gringo like that.
And in Spain as a 24 year old, saying goodbye to my friend Blanca, another non-lover, well, technically anyhow, but I was heading through Europe to Israel, and sorry, adios. For me it wasn't a big deal, but for her, she suffered a lot. I didn't realize it at the time, but found out subsequently. We were going to see eachother a year and a half ago when I was in Spain with my son, and she was still referring to how hard that was for her, kind of a lifetime ache or something.
So this whole parting thing is fraught for both parties. Parties parting, and it ain't no party. So I'm at the point where I'm starting to imagine the future. Do I end up here next winter? Likely. Is it feasible to have a long term relationship in the meantime? not likely, I know myself well enough to know that I like women too much to become a monk. Do I really care for M? Yes I do. Aside from the obvious delights that we share in my room at the Royal, there is a lot of great communication, lots of laughter, care and genuine happiness in the connection. She's a smart cookie, and a giving soul, and even though we're so different on the surface, so were John and Yoko, and I think I found my Yoko. She's been something of a muse, as a lot of the stuff I've been writing has sourced from the opened up place of experiencing love. It's a good thing. A great thing...
So to my friend who read me the 'horny sex-tourist riot act', I think your comments were more about your prejudices than about my errant ways or naivete. M is not 21, she's 39, employed, strong in English, with a big soul. It's been a blessing to make the connection. I do thank you for the warning, it's certainly something to be aware of, but I'm going to trust my insides on this one. And we'll see how things unfold.
So it was like a cold shower this morning to be greeted by that bit of accusation, particularly after spending a very loving night with M, another very loving night actually. Ever since I've been back in town, 5 days now, it's been soul satisfying stuff, great connection, a lot of open heart energy, even with the knowledge that I need to be on a plane out of Bangkok on Feb 26. There is a tiny bit of dread about that parting, coming from both of us, but that's just part of the mix, and we'll have to see about it when it actually happens.
Me, I've said goodbye to many many women over the years, after good times and bad, so there is a certain inevitability to it. I can remember some of the hardest ones, when my heart is breaking and there's nothing to do but cry. One of the earliest was as a twenty year old in San Cristobal de las Casas, Chiapas Mexico, I said goodbye to my friend Sheila, we had travelled for only a week or so, but were headed in different directions. Not even lovers, but I sure loved her. When we parted, I sat on the curb and just bawled in front of startled Indians who weren't used to seeing a gringo like that.
And in Spain as a 24 year old, saying goodbye to my friend Blanca, another non-lover, well, technically anyhow, but I was heading through Europe to Israel, and sorry, adios. For me it wasn't a big deal, but for her, she suffered a lot. I didn't realize it at the time, but found out subsequently. We were going to see eachother a year and a half ago when I was in Spain with my son, and she was still referring to how hard that was for her, kind of a lifetime ache or something.
So this whole parting thing is fraught for both parties. Parties parting, and it ain't no party. So I'm at the point where I'm starting to imagine the future. Do I end up here next winter? Likely. Is it feasible to have a long term relationship in the meantime? not likely, I know myself well enough to know that I like women too much to become a monk. Do I really care for M? Yes I do. Aside from the obvious delights that we share in my room at the Royal, there is a lot of great communication, lots of laughter, care and genuine happiness in the connection. She's a smart cookie, and a giving soul, and even though we're so different on the surface, so were John and Yoko, and I think I found my Yoko. She's been something of a muse, as a lot of the stuff I've been writing has sourced from the opened up place of experiencing love. It's a good thing. A great thing...
So to my friend who read me the 'horny sex-tourist riot act', I think your comments were more about your prejudices than about my errant ways or naivete. M is not 21, she's 39, employed, strong in English, with a big soul. It's been a blessing to make the connection. I do thank you for the warning, it's certainly something to be aware of, but I'm going to trust my insides on this one. And we'll see how things unfold.
All I Want This Holiday....
Working on the next song, and it's the total opposite of the three or four which immediately preceeded it. Those were kinda wise ass, inappropriate bar songs. This one is shaping up as a ballad, maybe too sappy, but so it goes. I'm just following where my heart and mind go. It's Valentine's day here, and I just had a sweet interaction with a local girl who is an acquaintance of M's. She and I were having coffee when the girl showed up and she said something like, 'I'm not beautiful so nobody wants to be my Valentine'. I said you are beautiful, and beauty is in your heart. She was a sweet girl, maybe twenty years old, yeah, kinda funny looking but she had braces on her teeth which are gonna help (and a rocket body, but I digress). She and M were just chatting away and it was comfortable. As we left, I went over to the girl and gave her a kiss on the cheek and said, 'Happy Valentine's Day'. She blushed immediately, smiled big, and was so thankful to have that little hit of male energy. Really a cute moment and she said 'thank you, thank you'.
After we left, I asked M if it was OK to have done that. 'Why you ask me?' 'Because sometimes in different countries there are things that are not OK, and I want to make sure that it was appropriate'. She assured me that it was fine, and I said the girl really needed that attention. She was so cute the way she blushed. And then we're walking back to say goodbye until later, and I was feeling kinda sappy and romantic and grateful for this connection with her and I got the instinct to maybe try and write a Valentine's Day Song. I think I'm writing it from the female point of view. To be determined...
I don't need a flower
I don't need a sign
You don't have to ask me
Would I be your valentine
But to have you love me
Just the way you do
All I want this holiday is you
I don't need a stocking
Hanging by the tree
You don't have to promise
That one day you'll marry me
But to know your loving arms
And that your heart is true
All I want this holiday is you
more to come...
After we left, I asked M if it was OK to have done that. 'Why you ask me?' 'Because sometimes in different countries there are things that are not OK, and I want to make sure that it was appropriate'. She assured me that it was fine, and I said the girl really needed that attention. She was so cute the way she blushed. And then we're walking back to say goodbye until later, and I was feeling kinda sappy and romantic and grateful for this connection with her and I got the instinct to maybe try and write a Valentine's Day Song. I think I'm writing it from the female point of view. To be determined...
I don't need a flower
I don't need a sign
You don't have to ask me
Would I be your valentine
But to have you love me
Just the way you do
All I want this holiday is you
I don't need a stocking
Hanging by the tree
You don't have to promise
That one day you'll marry me
But to know your loving arms
And that your heart is true
All I want this holiday is you
more to come...
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